Life After College Pt.2- When sadness steps in..this is what comes out.

Trying really hard to keep looking up. I feel as though I am finding things to be sad about, now that I'm not sad about school. Maybe thats a way for my mind to help me sort things out in my life that I didn't have time for before. I got to admit, its not that great of a feeling. All of a sudden I have all of these doubts about things I have done, said, and not said. I'm having doubts about everyday occurrences, and I'm having doubts of the path(s) I've chosen. What's someone to do when their mind is going a million miles an hour?? The obvious answer is to talk to someone close to you. Right, well, what if you don't have these types of sources? Especially at a particular time of day? For example, most of my writing has come from my quiet time, very late at night (or early morning depending how you look at it). Who are you going to talk to then? Honestly, tonight, I was feeling pretty down. No particular reason (I think, at least) and I just wanted to interact with someone else, anyone else. Talk about life in general, books, movies, music, basic conversation type things. So, I looked for chat rooms. I remember being younger and going into the AOL chats and being able to do that. Apparently now, its practically impossible to find a chat where there isn't a creeper trying to get a genital picture or a raunchy chat going- unfortunately. It's really sad that the world has come down to sex. And VERY creepy sex at that in most cases. Back to the topic at hand- When I entered the "room" I said "Hello everyone!" Instantly, I got an IM from someone named bustyblonde8813. Male or Female, the screen name was enough to make me not want to talk about that person. It didn't help that they started the convo with "got pics?". Time to sign off... really not in the mood for that and never will be. Unless I turned 13 again. But apparently, this type of bullshit still appeals to people.
Do people not like talking anymore? I feel like actual conversations don't happen anymore. There's fragments, and 1 or 2 word sentences that make sense to everyone now. I miss talking to people, I used to have a close-nit group of 2 or 3 friends that would just talk. Talk with me, and listen to me. And of course, I would do the same. Once in a grey while, I'll have a sentimental conversation with someone close to me, but (especially as of late) I feel like I have a lot on my mind that isn't making it through the vocal chords and out my mouth. I know its my own fault that these things don't get out, but I have this overriding guilt that hovers over me like a storm cloud that prevents me from opening my mouth when I have something to say. I hate being the complaining type, I absolutely hate it- which is why I refrain from telling people exactly how I feel. Is it sad that I even feel guilty just posting about this? Even just friggin typing this onto a blank white text window. I will always feel guilty about my feelings- unless I get serious mind therapy and word vomit rehab. Thats healthy right? Hell, I even hated telling my therapist (maybe I should call her...) what was going on in my life. Besides me being a ridiculous loser, I think a lot of me holding back has to do with (a) past relationship(s.). Who am I kidding-- It does have to do with my past relationship. Singular...relationship. Not past relationshipS. In this relationship, I pretty much learned to keep my mouth shut. When I opened it, I'd get either made fun of, yelled at, or anything else to make a person feel like shit. How about a DVD case to the face? When your in a situation like that for the most important development stage of your life (i guess besides when your a fetus and newborn...) it really fucks with you. Practically my whole teenage life, I held back, and now, I find it EXTREMELY hard to open up. BUT this is why I began publicly writing recently. I think its interesting that most writers are quiet people...
Basically, the back burner of this blog entry is pretty much more words that were stuck in my head, put into sensible sentences that make sense (everyone like that alliteration!? Looks like my Bachelors in English paid off.) I wrote in a private entry the other day that "I want to get the message out there, that if you have a friend, that needs to say something- listen. Lend an ear. I bet if more people listened as well as expressed themselves honestly, the world would be a better place". Though it wouldn't create world peace or end this useless war in Iraq (I support the troops, but not the war) but I bet people would be less stressed, less depressed, and friendlier. Would it hurt to try?
For the other college grads out there, there are friends and family there to help you- no matter what your situation may be. Use them to your advantage, and don't let any thought get away unheard. When you're in my position and can't talk to someone, write, draw, sing, paint, create music... get your expression out. Let nothing go unheard.