Funny because I tell people all the time I do NOT want to write for a career, but if people read the stuff I write for fun- or in times like these- by all means, send me a paycheck once in a while.
Basically, my mind frame right now is, when you have all these thoughts cluttering up your head, its best to get them out. Common thing to tell someone, however, when you're not in the right context or not around the right people, doing this can be somewhat troublesome. In these cases, you go to the first place you think of where you can pretend people are listening to you. Like you. Thank you for reading this, and even more-so if you get all the way to the end. Bravo! So, with you reading this, essentially you are listening to me- so thank you.
People always told me that "your life is going to change as soon as you graduate college and start your adult life". Granted, I only officially graduated almost a week ago- so there's still time, but seriously- just want to know- how long am I going to wait for? The only reason I ask is because I feel like I've been patient and have been waiting for "my niche in life" to knock at my door and make me a happy, less confused, woman. I know, some of you are thinking "you're still young!! Stop worrying!". But the thing is, I've been young.. I've been young for 21 (almost 22) years now! Yes, I still have practically my whole life ahead of me, but I just wish I knew what I was waiting for.
Take year 2010 for example. For a lot of 2009, I was going down the positive route. Thinking good attracts good, positive energy, meditation once in a while- all that sorts of stuff. With all that, I managed to make extremely high expectations for 2010. When the clock struck 12:00 on January 1st- I was stoked, I kept saying- "this year is going to be great. I'm graduating college, losing all this weight, moving away (or at least moving out), I'm traveling to here and there, I'm getting a job that I love and not waitressing anymore...". High expectations right? Bad idea. Quite let down I must say. It's already halfway through the year, and the only good thing that has happened to me was graduating. And that only entails not having to go to school anymore. The whole "post grad" situation is hard. You have people asking you "what are you going to do now? Where are you going to work? When are you getting a real job?" Not only that, but the thought that you're waiting to grow up. You've felt like an adult this whole time while in school, however, the adults that criticize and antagonize you keep telling you, now that you have a degree, "welcome to the adult world". But honestly, I truly feel like I missed out on that fun college experience I watched everyone else have. Not even the whole college dorm business, but like, going out, having fun with your friends, drinking after a night of work even if you had school the next day. Even people who didn't go to college know what this point of time is. The time where you really don't worry about anything and just have fun. For a lot of people this lasts their whole lives (lucky bastards) and for some just a couple months and anywhere in between. I don't really remember the "crazy time" of my life. But I want it, and I crave it. I feel like my body wants it now, but there's no opportunity for it. Especially with me trying to save money to move (either move out or away works for me at this point) I hesitate going out just because That extra $60 for the bar tab is $60 more away from wherever I end up going.
Ever since I was little, I've had a feeling I was going to be very much well off and successful when I got older. And it was one of those feelings (and still is) that you just KNOW is right. The one thought that you ejaculate into the universe that would actually come true. The only thing is, for the life of me, I cannot think of why the hell I would be. I'm sitting here patiently waiting for the answer to come- I'll keep you updated. But man, what a let down 2010 is. I haven't gotten anywhere. I didn't have a life in college, and I still don't have a life now.
I wish I knew what I was waiting for, or maybe I'm not trying hard enough to find it.
To sum it all up, 2010 isn't what I was expecting at all. In fact, I'm feeling more lost, frustrated and more confused than ever before- and not liking it. I have no friggin clue what I'm supposed to be doing or where I'm supposed to be, but I KNOW its not here in Massachusetts and damn, I'm anxious to get out.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed or upset, I just really want off this roller coaster I'm on..
As my mind begins to slow down and turn off for the evening, I bid you a goodnight.
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